Humpty Dumpty Prays Silently

Just because I’m too honest for my own good, I’ll start this off by saying that I wrote a whole post, published it and then read and re-read it. It didn’t feel truly authentic. So now, I’m back to writing it again. It’s not so much that I want to divulge all my deepest feelings, but mostly I want it to be an accurate depiction of life as it was, is and will be. I want to go back and look at posts and really remember what was happening at that time but also I want to truly express the magnitude of gratitude I have for all that has happened in the last couple years. I think it goes without saying that the last couple years have been the actual worst. . . Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t speak in generalities, some people have had an awesome time, I don’t necessarily know any but I’m sure they exist; for some of us, the last two years have been an ‘experience’. And though I stand by that statement, I also know that negativity can cloud the mind and if I really make that blanket statement, I’d be a liar. 

Twenty nineteen was not supposed to go the way it went, I think we can all agree on that. My prediction that covid was going to be like SARS was wrong and now we’re in twenty twenty two and we all have covid fatigue and are all silently in denial. However, twenty twenty one was by far the hardest year I’ve ever had to process, and I have a hard time admitting how difficult and defeated I felt for the majority of the year. Now that I’ve crossed the tunnel and finally made it to the light, I can see that there were some major milestones that I hit.

My career progression and accomplishments are at an all time high. At one point in my life I thought I would never get a job in HR because I had no experience, then suddenly I’ve had three jobs and have progressed rather quickly. At least, that’s what I’m told by a whole lot of recruiters. But let’s be real, they will say anything! Some fantastic doors have been opened for me, I’m currently somewhere that provides many benefits and I’ve met some fantastic people along the way. I got promoted recently, which is a great thing to happen and I am on the track I’ve mentally mapped out for myself. Truly, it’s been a good time. But the corporate world is a tricky little mind warp. If you are passionate about what you do, and you desire advancement - a part of you has to die. Whether it’s your social life, friendships/relationships, other hobbies or interests, something has gotta give. For me, it all did. It was work, all day and every day. At one point, I was spending more time with work people than my actual friends and family. Soon you start to make connections and establish real relationships, but suddenly people get fired, or someone throws you under the proverbial bus and you are a human pancake with severe trust issues, or someone uses you until they find what they are looking for and now your feelings are hurt — oh boy! I got sidetracked there, but eventually it takes a toll on your heart, your mind and your soul. So you have no choice but to book a plane to New Orleans, get your brother to pick you up, ask your SIL to be roomies once again (best memories ever) and hope that they’ll be ok with you being a nuisance for three weeks. Yay to remote work!

I promise you, this will turn positive in a few moments. Truth is, somewhere along the way, I ended up feeling really broken. And not the kind that gets fixed with some good words of encouragement. I’m talking about Humpty Dumpty broken. Emotional and physical burn out is a fun little game that rears it’s dumb, ugly face every couple years for me and somehow I still haven’t managed to stop it before it happens. Will I ever learn? I wish I was ready to talk about how dark and twisty it got but I’ve told two people in my whole wonderful circle, and I’m simply not ready to dive deep but just know that I am really good at faking it until I’m not. 

So I arrive in Louisiana, and I just want to be there and not think about anything important. Some guy, we’ll call him “Sebastian” told me that he has never seen someone’s body physically carry anxiety (my body contorts apparently) — thanks for that great compliment bud — at one point, he had to remind me to breathe as I got really riled up about something happening that was straight up making me furious. Apparently my body physically reacts to stress (allegedly this happens cause the brain is powerful, I know, I’m a scientist) and I was in for a ride on the anxiety train. Mind you, I have never ever endured this and so it was making me so angry that I was feeling this way. 

Sometimes, running is the answer. So I arrived and my sister in law picks me up and we head to the Cheesecake Factory. I’m immediately at peace, and I felt at home - somewhere there is cake, quelle surprise. Sometimes you just gotta run to someone that loves you. And my sister in law had put in effort to make me feel at home, it took the kids a little bit to remember they love me but it was nice to be somewhere that felt homey without being in my actual house.  I just wanted a few days to not think or feel, . . . And it’s easy when you are distracted. But eventually, I had to let it happen. I had to feel it all. Every little stupid, ridiculous, obnoxious feeling. Again, apparently, letting yourself feel is a good thing - honestly, who makes this stuff up? I hate them. 

Listen, I know this sounds negative, and it’s because I’m dark and gloomy inside, it’s why I wear black on black on black every single day, but now that I’ve crossed the bridge from mopey ville, I can say one thing for certain, God has been good to me. . . And here is why:

After the kids, SIL and brother would drive off into the sunrise, there would be about 30 mins where it was dead silent in their home. And every single day I would say, “just get up and pray about it.” But every day I would be to tired to pray, to strong to cry and to proud to ask for help. I would simply think to myself, “God I don’t know what to do, what to say, what to ask, but I know I’m pretty unhappy right now.” And then I’d get up, grab some breaky, spend some time with my therapy dog (Chico I love you), work outside in the sunshine, listen to music, have a cold beverage and enjoy the warm weather. But every day, a few times a day, in my head I’d say “I just want my joy and peace back.” 

Sunday came along and off to church we went. I really don’t know what I was expecting but I wasn’t expecting to leave with an answered prayer. That simply might be cause I’m the most negative person ever or simply because it wasn’t really going my way lately - but I started praying silently. A sweet lady that I had met a few nights before walked over and started to pray with me, and out loud and without knowledge, she asked God, “Lord, give her the peace and joy that she is asking for.” 

Since that very moment I have truly felt that even though there is a lot of unanswered questions, some closed doors and some unfulfilled desires, God has provided the peace and joy through this process. Listen, little by little, step by step, I have started to see God move certain things in my life in the right direction. Slow movement is movement nonetheless. God is in the sadness and the laughter, in the bitter and the sweet. There is a divine purpose behind everything — and therefore a divine presence in everything. 

So as I begin to write and blog out all my adventures, feelings and inner monologue, I first wanted to establish a level of gratitude. As I think about the year and how it went, and I think about all the dark and twisty moments, how bruised my heart was and how I literally didn’t know how to move forward, I have to take a second and be glad for that moment that broke me and led me to restoration. So yes, God is good, life is beautiful and great things are coming - and, apparently, Humpty Dumpty can be put together again!